Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
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Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
Me My dog
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.