technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
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The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
I bet
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6