[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
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My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
me opening up to someone
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”