when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
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I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself