me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
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HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Pikachu found the lost joint
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.