Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
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A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Ooh I do like a good funnel
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Someone just threatened to call me later
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.