Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
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Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
I love twitter
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.