Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
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My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
How to wake up a Beagle
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.