So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
You Might Also Like
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
The little toadstool has spoken.