Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
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*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen