Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
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You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.