So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
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My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef