I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
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“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
#Caturday
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?