The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
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I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
Guantanamo Bae
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
same vibe as tangled headphones
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.