Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
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The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
scrabbled eggs
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
The point of your 20s
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
❤️❤️❤️
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
i installed a ceiling fan in my room