You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
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It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
yes… yes…
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.