Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
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This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
Pretty much! 😂👀
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.