*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
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*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
#titanic
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan