That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
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10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
Why does laundry happen to good people?
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
It be like that sometimes 😆
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
Them: Just act casual
Me: