husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
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I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
finally found a reasonable question
British websites use biscuits.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u