Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
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Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.