馃敠馃寵馃懀
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As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren鈥檛 doing it right.
And it was my turn.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
鈥o. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
鈥lso no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
鈥 don鈥檛 wanna play this game anymore.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 馃槒”
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more