Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
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wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in