Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
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If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down