DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
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[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
checking out some reviews of my local library
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
giddy up Office Depot