Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
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telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”