Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
You Might Also Like
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
Where’s my employee discount too?
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit