[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
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I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.