My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
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MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Need this in my life lol
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children