Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
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You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive