He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
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There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Pikachu found the lost joint
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4