back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
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Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Sign at work today
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
asking santa clause for nudes
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.