My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
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Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going