me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
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My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.