Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
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My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Is this the real life?
Is this just
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*