list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
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Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
sugar glider wrangler
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.