I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
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yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”