When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
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[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
*has no idea what a book even is*
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*