ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
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I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?