—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
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[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
“Wait, let me explain..”
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Danger is very dangerous
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”