If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
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Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room