Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
You Might Also Like
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
Finally, an explanation.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
Everything reminds me of my ex
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.