Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
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To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
The Struggle
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.