I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
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I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.