*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
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Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
no one likes gloating
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Finally, an explanation.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.