No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
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This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
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I still have Pringles?
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.