I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
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I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*