I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
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My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
😅🤣😂
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”