A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
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Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..