My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
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Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
LMAO
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Cardio Made Easy
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES